Monster
by Ferretess xxx
Summary: Remus feels like a monster... will he ever realize that he can't control his lycanthropy? Songfic to Monster by Skillet. One-shot.


**A/N: I've been listening to Monster by Skillet all day (on Youtube and it being stuck in my head), so I had to write this songfic. I mean, seriously, the song fits Remus to a tee!**

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><p><strong>The secret side of me, I'll never let you see.<strong>

Remus John Lupin was a werewolf.

A bloody, savage, beast.

But his three best friends, James, Sirius, and Peter, had no idea.

And hopefully, they never would.

**I keep it caged but I can't control it.**

Remus never went out in the wild like other werewolves.

He was a killer, but he didn't want to be.

He could never control what the wolf did.

**So stay away from me, the beast is ugly.**

Remus decidedly did not want to have friends.

They noticed that he was gone, which made it all the more likely that he'd be discovered.

He didn't want to be expelled. Or worse, killed.

Worse than either of those would be if he killed one of those friends.

It was hugely possible- Sirius was rash, if he found out…

Too late to back out of their friendship now.

**I feel the rage and I just can't hold it.**

To put it simply, the other side of him disturbed Remus greatly.

He was a killer, though not yet a murderer, and he attacked anything he could every month.

Including himself.

Including any foolish soul who dared to cross his path.

**It's scratchin' on the walls, in the closet, in the halls.**

The wolf dared to come out when Remus was hideously furious.

That didn't happen often, but it scared him.

He knew it couldn't happen, but what if…

What if the wolf came out during the day?

**It comes awake and I can't control it.**

Remus hated full moons.

He had no self-control, and yes, the wolf was himself.

It was his secret side.

**Hidin' under the bed, in my body, in my head.**

The wolf would hide everywhere.

It was amazing that Remus could be so self-controlled on normal days, with three times the anger.

His parents had no idea how he did it.

To be honest, neither did Remus.

**Why won't somebody come and save me from this?**

Remus wasn't daft, he knew that he would kill, destroy, maim, and reduce to shreds any human who came too close to him during the full moon.

Still.

**Make it end!**

The transformations were hell.

To put it simply.

Remus wished more than anything that they would just stop.

Then he felt selfish for thinking that. He's not the only one with his own personal hell, and Sirius was more deserving of it than he was…

**I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin, I must confess that I feel like a monster!**

Not only did Remus feel like a monster, he was a monster.

The wolf was always there, just another part of his soul, like the caring part, the Gryffindor part, and the Ravenclaw portion.

**I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun!**

No human will ever understand the hell being a werewolf is.

He hated it more than anything, the wolf. He hated himself for being that wolf.

**I must confess that I feel like a monster!**

Every single second of every single day, Remus hated himself.

He was a monster, a bloody, savage monster!

Things only worsened after the Willow Incident.

He'd almost killed a human.

He would never be forgiven; by himself nor Snape.

**I, I feel like a monster!**

Bloody, savage, killing, destroying, beast!

**I, I feel like a monster!**

Why did his parents still love him?

Why did his friends stick around?

Monsters _will_ kill!

**My secret side I keep, hid under lock and key.**

Never would anyone else know.

That's what Remus vowed to the dorm wall shortly after the Marauders found out.

He rather liked living the horrid lie that he was a normal teenage wizard.

**I keep it caged but I can't control it.**

Every night at precisely 11:11 pm, he would wish upon a star for a cure to be discovered.

Not just any star, the Dog Star, of course. For Sirius.

**Cause if I let him out, he'll tear me up, break me down.**

There was no way in hell Remus would tell someone of his own free will.

Letting the wolf out would be suicide.

Literally.

**Why won't somebody come and save me from this?**

He didn't give a damn if it was impossible with all current knowledge, somebody just find a cure, goddammit!

**Make it end!**

It was torture, pain! Endless pain! To go through a lycanthrope's transformation.

Twelve times a year, Remus had been cursed for eleven years now.

One-hundred thirty-two times he'd survived.

Let's not add the miraculously, that'd be a lie.

**I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin, I must confess that I feel like a monster!**

He was so cruel, how once a month he'd think of killing humans... it was scary and pathetic.

**I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun, I must confess that I feel like a monster!**

He'd already gone through 132 transformations, but if he lived even to thirty, that's just the beginning.

**I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin, I must confess that I feel like a monster!**

He was never one for journals, but Remus Lupin did write one single sentence in his.

_I am a monster._**  
><strong>

**I, I feel like a monster!**

A savage beast, set out to kill anyone and anything human.**  
><strong>

**I, I feel like a monster!**

He hated this other side of him- no, he hated himself.

A monster, threatening to unleash its full power anytime.

**It's hidin' in the dark, its teeth are razor sharp.**

The wolf was scary.

Even to Remus, who could scarcely remember a time when he wasn't a lycanthrope.

**There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart.**

When the full moon neared, the wolf threatened to take over.

Remus was terrified the wolf would one day win.

**No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream.**

When he screamed in agony, nobody could hear him, unless they were standing too close to the Shrieking Shack.

Remus would often fantasize about being a normal human being, with lycanthropy nothing more than his 3rd year Defense lesson. He knew, of course, that it was just wishful thinking.

But oh, how he hoped.

**Or maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster!**

He knew he was a werewolf, but sometimes he wondered if what James had said was true.

"You are not a monster…"

He hated to think unrealistically; it caused him to live fantasies rather than living in the real world.

**I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin, I must confess that I feel like a monster!**

Remus hated his life. His friends and family were great, and he tried not to let the lycanthropy get in the way of everything, but… he couldn't help that feeling of possession in his bones.

**I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun, I must confess that I feel like a monster!**

If he ever saw Fenrir Greyback, Remus would almost feel sorry for the bastard.

Almost, because he deserved it all.

**I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin, I must confess that I feel like a monster!**

The wolf was always there.

He was as much a part of Remus John Lupin as the magic and the human thoughts.

**I'm gonna lose control, it's something radical, I must confess that I feel like a monster!**

One day, someone would die.

He would kill someone.

He knew it was only a matter of time.

**I, I feel like a monster!**

Beast.

**I, I feel like a monster!**

Savage.

**I, I feel like a monster!**

Brute.

**I, I feel like a monster!**

That's all he was.

A monster.

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><p><strong>AN: Oh, I feel so bad for Remus writing this! :'( Well, to cheer up the mood, my stupid bloody autocorrect changed 'goddammit' to goldsmith. I mean, really?**


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